Yes, as scary as it may sound, a woman?s family dramatically influences her future relationships, and of course, the type of man she strives to be with. For instance, how often have you heard the phrase: ?I want a husband just like my dad?? Or, conversely: ?I don?t want to turn out anything like my parents.? It can be intimidating to hear, unless you happen to adore her father. It can be even scarier if she often refers to her ?big brothers,? and you have a tendency to forget anniversaries.
Aside from the evolutionary need humans feel to perpetuate the family structure, find a mate and procreate, we thankfully now live in an age of emotional freedom, in which we can structure our relationships in any way we see fit. But the influence of the family on a woman?s needs can have negative and positive results. For example, a woman?s style of communication can often be based around her fears. Children of turbulent parental relationships may be overly-forgiving and obsessive about avoiding conflict. Similarly, children of peaceful or seemingly-fulfilling relationships can have a misunderstanding of perfection that can be just as corrupting to their relationships. These aren?t universal rules, but they are trends to spot.
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So how can men compete? Is there a recipe for counteracting or working with a woman?s family structure in order to be the kind of man she dreams of? While there are no easy fixes, there are a few crucial steps men can take to ensure they are the best possible mate by being sensitive to a woman?s emotional needs and her family structure:
1) Watch out for red flags from her past. If your mate is often expressing a resentment or open wound about infidelity, abuse, abandonment or any other trauma witnessed in her family (whether from a parent, sibling or otherwise), be sensitive to this. Note that it has instilled in her a fear that may manifest later in your fights. She might even be overly protective of herself during trying times in an attempt to avoid these fates.
2) Notice how she speaks of her father. Her father is the first male role model in her life, and whether he was present or absent, he has the potential to shape much of her understanding of men. If she speaks highly of him and praises him for how he treated her mother, try to see what message she drew from it. Does she often commend her father for always bringing flowers home? This has translated into a sign of love and adoration that she also craves. Does she envy how active her parents are together? Try dates in which you learn something new or are physically active together. We learn what works from our parents, just as much as we learn what doesn?t work. On the other hand, if she constantly discredits her father or shows resentment toward him, notice why she is so against him. It sounds like common sense, but if she says she hates her father for never being around, be around. If she says she hasn?t forgiven him for leaving her mother, make the extra effort to consistently remind her (and show her) that you won?t abandon her. Sometimes fears are hidden in other messages, but they are no less important to her.
3) Be on her team. Now that you are in a relationship together, it is important that you build a unified force together?a unit and a new family (yes, even if it is just the two of you). If she wants to spend a large amount of time as a couple with her family, be cooperative. If it seems too much for you, reach a compromise. If she seems to oppose her family or her parents, stand behind her decisions. When you are alone is when you can talk about her anger toward certain family members and rationalize her reactions to them. But most importantly, she should know that you are on her side above all else. This will let her know that the family she is now building is on a strong foundation.
Understanding her family dynamic, and that it influences her character within your relationship, is an important step in understanding your mate. Any serious dating creates a family unit, and in order to build one that not only respects the family in which she was raised, but also exceeds her dreams of her future family, requires that you, her partner, learn the boundaries, fears and goals she has been taught. And whether you like her family or not, their influence will be clear. After all, as they say, ?If you marry her, you marry her mother.?
Relationship Coach Rachael Y
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